New Beginnings

God does amazing things! Brings situations full circle.

Last November, I wrote a story on here about my son. It was the 20-year anniversary of a painful time in my life and I just felt compelled to write about it. I was 18 and pregnant. Here it is...

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2011

Cold November Rain

It was the first day of November twenty years ago. A dreary day with clouds and drizzle which eventually gave way to rain. Cold November Rain.

"Please just drive," I said to my friend, Dave, as I wiped away the tears that just kept coming. What have I done? Why did I let this happen? Didn't I ever learn? I felt so guilty. And sad. Not for me so much as for the little life just confirmed by a pregnancy test at the health department. A little life I'd suspected. A little life I loved with all my heart. Another little life I would raise...alone.

As soon as I got in the truck, I turned on the radio. "November Rain" came on. I looked out the window and cried. Dave drove.

                                       
                                       
                                                 We did this...

                                                                                 

                                              ...for five hours.
                                                                 

Dave was a good friend. He just kept driving and listening until he had to go back home to L.A. He was a gentle soul really, even though he was a drummer in a heavy-metal band. He was a cat lover if that tells you anything.

This was a very hard time for me emotionally. I felt a terrible sense of guilt. I knew there'd be no involvement with the father. I wished it could have been different, but it was what it was.

I felt very protective over this baby. I loved him fiercely from the moment I knew he existed. With my first daughter, I had a lot of help from my mom. I had her when I was only 15 and I still wanted to go out and do my own thing so she spent a lot of time with her grandma. But it was going to be different with this baby. This baby was going to be all mine.

When I was about 5 months along, I developed a bladder infection. I stayed home for 4 days with a fever of 104. Finally, my mom, who lived two doors down, called the doctor. He told her to get me to his office right away. He tapped on my back and I jumped a little. He sent me to the hospital. Turned out that I had a very severe kidney infection. He told me if I would have waited another twenty minutes, I would have died. I was in septic shock - blood poisoning. They had a hard time breaking the fever and gave me aspirin which finally did the job. I was out after the weekend and he kept me on antibiotics for the rest of the pregnancy. So after that he nick-named me "suicidal." I just didn't realize the seriousness of it all. He was a very cool doctor. He was so caring and had a really great sense of humor. He joked around all the time, which kept my spirits up.

When the baby was born he was so pretty. He looked like a little angel with golden hair. He wouldn't open his eyes. He'd just peek. He didn't cry either. Oh he was so very sweet. I just breathed him in. It was so hard to do this alone. To not have anyone to share it with. As I was sitting on the edge of the hospital bed the next day, I broke down into tears. When you have a baby your emotions are all out of whack, anyway, and under the circumstances, it was pretty hard to cope. A kind nurse noticed me as she was walking by. She came in and sat down. She hugged me and said some comforting words. I don't remember what they were, I just remember that she cared. I don't think many people realize just how much the "little" things mean to someone in crisis.

I didn't know who God was, but He knew us. He came through the kindness of a friend willing to drive endlessly, as tears fell like November rain. He came through a mother with enough sense to call the doctor which would save our lives. He came through a doctor that could see a broken heart and did his best to mend it with love and laughter, even if just for a moment. He came through the warm embrace of a compassionate nurse speaking healing to a young girl's soul.

He came to me through the peeking eyes of an angelic, golden-haired baby.


There are times in life that are so dark you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Pain so bitter, you feel you'll never heal from the wounds.
Loneliness so deep, nothing could ever cure it.

But nothing lasts forever... even cold November rain.

_________________________________________________________

Between then and now...

My son is 20 years old now and is an amazing, wonderful, creative and caring person. He was a joy to raise and I just love him with all my heart, as I do my other kids. Because of the lack of knowing his father, there was always a little empty space in his heart. And my heart broke for him. I never told his father about him. Our "relationship" was very short-lived. When I found out he had someone that he was engaged to and that she was pregnant, I broke it off. A few months later, I found out I was pregnant. There was a lot of emotions I was dealing with and so I made the choice I thought was for the best, at the time. Not knowing the father very well at all, I wanted to protect the baby.

I struggled with so many emotions as I watched this sweet, little boy grow up. I felt a lot of guilt and the best that I could do was show him that God was his father. There were male role-models in the family that really helped with my son and I am forever grateful to them, but still I sensed that a little place of emptiness remained.

Many years ago, I received papers from the child-support agency and figured he knew about my son. I assumed that maybe he wasn't interested. They informed me, at one time, he was in prison. 

A few years back, I finally told my son his father's name. My older daughter informed me later, he had tried to find his father, to no avail. 

Now...

About a week ago, I received a friend request on Facebook that literally stopped my heart! I could not have been more shocked! He found me...us! I knew, instantly, that I would accept his request. I had total peace about it and knew the time was right. I was excited for my son. I investigated his wall and was happy to see he was doing well. It was obvious, by some things on his page, that he had been through his struggles and now was overcoming a lot in his life. Before I accepted, I got a hold of my son and told him the news. He was excited. I filled him in on a few details and told him I was going to accept and for him to go "check him out", which he did. It wasn't much longer and I could see that he and his father were "friends". A little later, I received a message from his father, saying that he was talking to my/our son. He said...thank you.

Later that night, my boy called me. He was surprised by how nice his father was, how much they looked alike and how he had gotten his creative streak from him. So many pieces now fit together for my son. They made plans to meet for the very first time and this past Monday, they did. It went very well. 

I chatted with his father the day after. He let me know how the meeting went and what he thought of his "new" son. Apparently, he's only known he had another son for about three years. He said he feels a connection with him and thinks he's amazing. My son informed me, that his father told him he wanted to build a relationship with him. What a blessing. The rest of the family is really excited about meeting my son, too.

There were things to say...I told him I was sorry for never telling him, but that it had been so hard and complicated. He was understanding and thankful and said he was happy I had done such a good job raising him. There were many words of grace that went between us.

I believe God had his hand over this and that it's all according to His timing. It's never too late for a new beginning!