Life in His Hand

Things are changing fast. God dropped another job into my lap--which I really love. My daughter goes with me and I get to spend every day with her. Kids grow up so fast! She'll be a teenager soon and you know what that means. My daughter, Savannah, is in a boarding academy about 3 1/2 hours from where I live. Our church is gung ho on having the kids in Christian Schools and have made it possible for kids whose families can't afford it, through various ways, to be able to go. My local church family have also committed themselves to helping Savannah. I pay what I can, which isn't a lot and I am so thankful for all the help. So there are only 3 of us home now...the incredibly shrinking household!! Hard to believe now there were seven of us! My girl will be here for visits and the summer. And of course I'd like to add one more member..instead of always decreasing ;) But he's nowhere to be found..YET! I do have my eye on someone...but it's just a thought. A sneakin

How are you spending your life? Let's not waste any jelly beans :)

Was amazed by this woman's story--Escape. Here's a hint... Ted Bundy. http://www.visitinspire.org/article/191/visual-arts/blacksmith-art

So we're driving down Highway 101 and seeing the Redwoods all around us. We're heading to the ocean near Ferndale, "The Victorian Village" and I say to the kids..how is it that we have no money but are spending a week in the Redwoods at Camp Meeting? God gave us a vacation that began as a weekend and developed into a week. I only had enough to stay for the weekend, but my mom surprised us by showing up. I woke up Sunday morning in the cool mountains and whispered,"Oh God I don't wanna go home today." I proceeded to hurry to the last couple of meetings I would be privileged to attend, not wanting to waste any of the time left, only to return to a surprise announcement that we would be able to stay for four more days!! I juggled my schedule around a little back home and thanked God for the way He worked things out.. I had no intention of going to Camp Meeting this year. I had so many reasons why we couldn't go..but at the last minute decided to step ou

Being a follower of Jesus does not mean that your life suddenly turns into a rose garden. It does not mean you have no problems. They are thinking about closing my church down. It does not matter that we are a living, breathing community of believers who meet together in our small town to worship God and strengthen each other. It does not matter that by being here we are keeping a light burning in our community for people of like beliefs which cannot be found in any other church in our small town. It does not matter that we are bonded to one another. No it does not matter. What does apparently matter is the size of our bank account. We don't have much money. It does not matter that we share a pastor with the church in the next community which has means and in all actuality we are not costing the conference anything more. No it doesn't matter. We simply do not generate enough money in tithes. We do not matter... But we matter to God. And we matter to each other and the peopl

I've been humbled and allowed to see my own sin. A very good Christian friend of mine looked at me and said how do you do it? How do you take anything that comes your way? I said, "God helps". She doesn't see me when I am alone..losing it. She sees me trying to hold things together. But this woman is the most positive person I have ever met. She is also the most encouraging. She's a great example. How many others who seem to have it easy look at me and wonder..how does she do it? Or maybe in their hearts there is sympathy? Sometimes I just fall so hard..."Pride cometh before a fall" was what I came across twice in my devotions this morning. That is what's happened with me. I'm the one judging and I'm the one who is in need of God's grace and that's apparent in my life lately. But I wasn't left without hope. It also said God will help you back onto your feet again. So I am going to quit thinking so negatively about my Christian

Watched my Sophie graduate last night, all sparkly! I thank God every time one of my kids graduate. I think of the chaos in my own young life and have to just praise the Lord that He found me and we're doing things differently. I have stopped the pattern that could have continued from one generation to the next. I fully believe that God just had such an enormous impact on the future of my kids' lives by changing my life so dramatically. I didn't do well in school because I had too many problems. I was bright but I didn't fit in and my life was just not designed to enable me to succeed in school. I am so proud of Sophie!!!!

It is a strange feeling to be 40, feeling soo young and have a 24 year old daughter! I am proud of her. She is starting her job at a hospital tomorrow in the cancer center as a medical assistant. She has been going to school for several years getting her prerequisites out of the way so she can take the nursing program. But there's a long waiting list. A couple years ago she decided to take the year off and take the MA course. It's a good thing because now she has a way to provide for her kids and get some experience in a medical setting while she waits to take the nurse's training. She posted a pic of her work badge on Facebook and I looked at it and just thought about her when she was first born as her dad held her next to me on the delivery table...I remember those wide-open eyes and that little Jenessa face. Coming out of a 17 year long bad relationship (not her father) and looking at what I have accomplished or the lack of what I have accomplished, I have wondered if

And so life goes on day after day, our stories continue in words written in time. Memories form and emotions build or die, some a slow death. And we see the beautiful and we see the plain, which is beautiful in it's own way. We see the pain and we taste all of this. Bittersweet this life we live. Most bittersweet is what lies just beyond our grasp. Tomorrow, the difference you long to make, a love unrealized, a place forever frozen in time which can only be revisited in your mind, an elusive home.

This breaks my heart! I know what it's like to be down and out. Thankfully, I have not been homeless, but it would be so easy to become that way. God has such a heart for the poor and needy.

As I look at the clutter around me, I just want to have it disappear, but it's pretty stubborn. It sticks around and grows. Lately, I have given a lot of thought to further simplifying my life and surroundings. Not only attacking the clutter in my home, but the clutter in my heart and mind as well. The clutter taking up my emotions and motivations, helping me forget my true priorities and robbing me of the space I need to give to what really matters in my life. I want to have less. Less dishes. Less books. Less papers. Less clothes. Less useless and unused junk. Less worries about what others think. Less concern over other people's expectations. Less need to be someone other than who I am. This will carve out the space needed for who God intends me to be. God has given me what I can carry. He has assigned my place here and has given me this lot. I have managed to allow the junk to clutter up what He intends to be small and manageable until it feels overwhelming. So today, I

Gnomeo with my first baby tomato. Amongst the snapdragons.

Decided when I saw the hands yesterday, that it would be good for my blog! I have been wanting to change things up for awhile. To make it more personal. This really feels like me now. I hope to feel more inspired to write in here. My blog is like a scrapbook filled with bits and pieces of my life that find their way from my brain to my "paper". Oh that's a scary thought!

When I was 13 years old, we lived near some train tracks that were in the middle of town. In this area the trains were usually just parked. But sometimes they were rolling along at a slow pace at night and  me and my friends, being the crazy kids we were, would often run alongside them and hop on the ladders. Hoppin' trains! Crazy! Without thought; without regard for our safety. And that reminds me of the way I used to pick guys. Which explains a lot! Since the day my ex moved out, it seems the guys have been falling out of the sky! I have dealt with many. It was weird and I was a little naive (rusty!lol) after sooo many years of not being single. I'll tell you what, I have been learning so much in this area!! The other day, my oldest daughter posted this saying on my Facebook wall, "If a train doesn't stop at your station, it isn't your train!" Haha...that one really made so much sense to me and has stuck in my head. I thought once that I met someone who

One day I imagine I will put my complete trust in my Heavenly Father! He is always proving how very faithful He is. Today was another example of His love and care. I mentioned before that when I worry He says seek first My kingdom and My righteousness and ALL these things will be given to you as well...speaking of our everyday needs. I have an arrangement with my landlady. I keep up the yards and property in exchange for the utilities. So mowing her lawn and my lawn are not a problem. She has a nice riding lawn mower. It's almost actually fun! The problem comes with the mini field I have behind my house--then there's a drive that separates us. This "field" is too bumpy for her mower and I used to have a really old beat up lawn mower I used on it but it quit. I had told her that, but today she was saying how I needed to get those weeds down. So I prayed, Lord I need to be able to mow this. Please help me somehow. I prayed that the old beat up mower would work as I pu

Feeling so much regret for past mistakes... God whispers, "I have plans for you." Thinking back over the recent past, just a few minutes ago, I was overcome with the sickening feeling of all-consuming regret. I knew better! I sold myself short. I disappointed God. Not once, not twice but repeatedly. But God didn't turn on me. He tried so many times to get through, but I was weak and then confused. I prayed and He heard. He didn't leave, He kept trying to pull me out. Seems God has to keep repeating Himself to me. He is patient. Thank You, God, for the way You love. For the way You pull us out of the miry clay we cannot free ourselves from.

Some days this blog feels pointless. I ask myself why? And usually answer with--well it helps me cope or someday, my kids may read it if something should happen to me... And then there are times where I am on Facebook and a friend is dealing with something tough and I'll remember something I wrote on here. Usually about God and the way He comforts. I have shared with people several times. Recently I had a Facebook friend dealing with some church stuff. I had written a blog that was similar to what he was dealing with. I wanted to encourage him. He liked it and wanted to put it in his church newsletter that he edits. I'm supposed to receive a copy in the mail soon. Recently, got to share one with my best friend I just reconnected with. At times I write about what has happened in my life and its nice to have it handy to share. So I guess that's worth writing it. Besides, it just helps me. I need to write things down to process them. I keep a prayer journal as well, for that

I recently met a new friend who said he had everything he wants in life, besides a wife. I cannot even begin to conceive what that feels like. I wonder how much of an affect does the absence of a wife have. The next time I talk to him, I think I'll ask. Of course, he could be a simple guy, content and truly happy with his life so far. Or he could have the perfect life. Mine just feels like it's in limbo still. I don't have everything together. And I sit and worry too much and it seems God continuously reminds me of Matthew 6:25-34 25  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry  about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?   26  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?   27  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life [ e ] ? 28  “And why do

My friend and I would go through many changes over the next several years. We didn't live in the same town, but we managed to see each other. Once she ran away to my house because her mom was "too strict" aka normal! And that was where I left off in the story. We were fourteen, lots of parties going on and hanging out. That was when I ended up pregnant. Yes, at fourteen. I was a baby, but didn't think so. I was tough and cool and people always commented on how mature I was and how much older I looked (now it's just the opposite!!! And I couldn't be happier!!) That's so funny because I look back now and just shake my head because I absolutely knew NOTHING about life! But no one could have told me that. And no one ever tried. No one ever gave me any kind of guidance and I realize now that if you don't have it, you can't give it. I know that was the case with me. The adults in my life were doing their own thing. They just didn't have the advice to

About a month ago, I mentioned that my best friend found me on Facebook. Since I got on Facebook a few years ago, I have been looking for her. And even before that-online. She shares one with her boyfriend (that I didn't know), so when I got the request in his name and checked it out, I was surprised to see her picture..and thrilled! I have been praying for a long time for this. So let's go back in time... I was nine years old and she was about six months older. My dad lived in the same apartments where she and her mom and brother lived. My mom ended up moving there, too, for awhile, with us. Not sure of all the timing of these things. We became fast friends. I remember her dancing to Mr. Roboto out in the parking lot. Doing some weird dance that I thought was kinda strange. We also danced to Thriller from Michael Jackson..oh boy! them 80's! We played 4 and 5 hour games of Monopoly, sitting out on the sidewalk in front of the apartments, in which my older brother wo

When you belong to a small country church, you can sometimes wonder if you really have a purpose there. The larger churches seem to have so much going on--so many people--so much to offer. When you compare the little things you're doing, it can make you wonder if it matters at all. That seemed to be the theme that I was seeing in our small church today. My aunt Julie was mentioning how she had been wondering if she even belonged teaching children, since all the little ones had left. But she realized that she was needed when one small child showed up today. I loaned her a couple of my older kids to keep the little girl company. My mother helped the girl's mother feel comfortable and got acquainted with her. This lady was actually a second-cousin of my mother's that she had never met before and had recently connected with on Facebook. She was looking for a church to go to and said that the other churches in town didn't seem like a good fit. This lady's looking

My little grandson Evan. My little granddaughter Emma. My four girls and two grandkids...caught in a web!

Stepping out of the old and into the new can be and has been stressful. I guess I'm at the "and" part between old and new. Maybe even in the "d" of "and". Trying to get my courage up to live a different and new life. Trying to think of the possibilities instead of the doubts. To trust instead of fear. Because I know, without a doubt, that God does have a plan. God has brought me through many hard times. I believe He will bring me into many good things and that the landscape of my life will look vastly different. Psalm 107:1-43   1-3  Oh, thank  God —he’s so good!      His love never runs out. All of you set free by  God , tell the world!      Tell how he freed you from oppression, Then rounded you up from all over the place,      from the four winds, from the seven seas. 4-9  Some of you wandered for years in the desert,      looking but not finding a good place to live, Half-starved and parched with thirst,      staggering and stum

I saw a lady today with the most deformed face I have ever seen. So deformed that I had to look away. I thought of how horrible it must be for her to go out in public. She was with a group of people and other than her face, she seemed completely normal. The feeling that hit me was one of shame. Shame that I neglect to really appreciate what I have and maybe even more important--what I do not have. It could just be so much worse. How can I hurt? Complain? Want? after seeing what some people have to deal with? But I am me. I do have the struggles that I have. And I am not a robot without emotion--though sometimes I almost wish I were. Almost. After I left the memory of the deformed woman back at the gas station where I saw her, I also forgot the words I said to myself there--I should never complain. The fact is is that I DO appreciate what I have. I appreciate my life, who I am, who God is and how He is involved in my life, and that we are all healthy, etc. I appreciate that our life i

I met her when I was nine. We were best friends...forever. And then we sort of went our separate ways at about twenty. I saw her 10 years ago, for a few hours. Haven't heard from her or been able to find her. Today, she found me on Facebook!! She's calling after work. Yes...we'll be up pretty late :) So much has happened in the past 10 years!!! So much to catch up on. So much to reminisce about! So much saying...can you believe we did that?! I have to admit, I am a little nervous. My life isn't where I wished it was...but it is what it is. Been praying for this!

Typically, at my bible study, we do celebrate birthdays a little. So this morning as we got started, and nothing was brought up about my birthday, I figured maybe that was going to fizzle out and that was okay with me. I told them about all the surprises that had gone on over the past few days. They were happy to hear the details. When everything was over, Julie says, "Hope no one's in a hurry. We brought a party!!! Then I saw balloons all over my bed that she had had my daughter blow up on the sly. I had to run one lady home and when I got back, I found they had done their magic!! This is my group--usually there are about two more people. So now I am wondering...what's gonna happen tomorrow?!

So I have dreaded this birthday for a decade now. But this birthday has turned out to be the best birthday ever! On Saturday I got this in the mail...with no note attached! I had randomly mentioned about a week before, on Facebook, that maybe I needed a gnome with a red hat. I guessed it must have been my sister and niece (in Florida) that sent it and I was right! It was such a fun surprise! I posted a pic on Facebook and my niece said-Oh baby, Aunt Hanna got a man for her b-day!! Haha! Just what I wanted! Lol!! On Sunday, I was out shopping and came home to this: A surprise party!! I have never had one before. My older daughter showed up and put it together with the kids. So sweet and thoughtful. One very bright cake! They all gave me all of my favorite things. So much thought was put in. So when my birthday rolled around this morning I was content and figured it had already been celebrated for the most part. And then my daughter, Savannah, gave me this

Cruel how the mind plays tricks on you. As I was laying in bed this morning, contemplating the day, trying to be thankful to God for what I have, my mind slipped into a state of semi-sleep and the phone rang. I answered it and heard a distant voice, stopping to call. "I had to pick up so and so..." Sometimes he used to call when he'd be out. I heard other voices in the background. I had not heard his voice in so long and was happy to hear it...then I woke up. It's hard to lose a friend, someone who felt so dear. As I lay there, the tears spilled down my cheeks, as they often do, when the thoughts come. Dreams are worse.