Our Own Journeys

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I saw a lady today with the most deformed face I have ever seen. So deformed that I had to look away. I thought of how horrible it must be for her to go out in public. She was with a group of people and other than her face, she seemed completely normal. The feeling that hit me was one of shame. Shame that I neglect to really appreciate what I have and maybe even more important--what I do not have. It could just be so much worse. How can I hurt? Complain? Want? after seeing what some people have to deal with?

But I am me. I do have the struggles that I have. And I am not a robot without emotion--though sometimes I almost wish I were. Almost. After I left the memory of the deformed woman back at the gas station where I saw her, I also forgot the words I said to myself there--I should never complain. The fact is is that I DO appreciate what I have. I appreciate my life, who I am, who God is and how He is involved in my life, and that we are all healthy, etc. I appreciate that our life is relatively peaceful. This time, last year, was a whole different story. So it's not that I am not thankful.

BUT I cannot hear of someone married happily for 30 years or see a chain of happiness passed through the generations of a family, without mourning that I don't have that. I realized today, as I was sitting in a memorial service, that all I have ever wanted was a happy and complete family. And yet, for me, it wasn't to be. Since that is so ingrained in me, I am having such a hard time dealing with it. I hold out hope that maybe someday I will.

This year has been so hard and doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I pray this sadness that has camped over my life would decide to just pack it up and move on.

We all have our own journeys, our own hard trials to bear--some more than others. I am just trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that my life is just not the way I want it to be.

Comments

  1. CritApril 1, 2013 at 11:38 AM

    Reminds me of a song... "we'd be so less fragile if we were made from metal..." http://critchat.blogspot.com/2011/01/three-wishes.html
    There is a saying "It's much easier to talk about what you've BEEN through than what you're GOING through." I can offer words of encouragement, but when you're in the midst and thick of hurt, comforting words tend to fall flat :( Know that I am praying and hoping for you

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    Replies
    1. JohannaApril 1, 2013 at 5:01 PM

      Thanks...today my outlook is better. And that seems to be how it is with me lately. Up and down. But I know that things will level out. Hoping to focus on more positive things :)

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