Communicate
I'm amazed by some people's ability to just spill everything out on Facebook. Their problems and struggles. I guess I'm even a little envious. I cannot even say some of those kinds of things to a friend. And they tend to get support, maybe that's why they're able to be that open. Well, it's also about one's personality as well.
I want to be open. An open book. But that's a real joke! I would love to be that open with at least one person on the earth. Ahh...who could stand it?
For one I know it's not safe and for two, I have things I don't want people to know. That's normal, isn't it? There is still a strange desire to just put it out there when I feel like it. Just the way it is...but someone might actually see it! Ha ha. So sitting here is pretty strange, actually, I feel like I'm writing into thin air. This is a new blog and I doubt anyone's reading it. Almost feels like I'm talking to myself sometimes.
Before you really know better, you tend to be open. I was when I was a teenager. I remember spending hours upon hours talking about stuff. What changed me? I think isolation partially. I moved away from people, grew away from people and had lots of babies that I stayed home with, but also I became a Christian and started being more cautious about what I shared, either for fear of being judged or for not wanting people to know my stuff. So I became more private and shared problems with God. But honestly I long to have that kind of trust with a person. Fairy tale thinking again. I think my time is passed.
I think of a friend I had long ago. We started backwards and dated, then we became friends and were friends for a good four years or so. We had one thing in common. Music. We could talk about music for hours. We had a shared passion and that really bonded us. Dating didn't work out for us, too many life differences, but we made good friends. I had a few really close friends that I did everything with, and not one is here with me today. I miss them. Of course we probably wouldn't have a thing in common anymore, since I've changed dramatically, but I still miss them. I wonder what it's like to bring a best friend into adulthood with you? I'm rambling and that's okay because no one is reading this anyway :)
I have a prayer-group at my home and they are such a blessing to me. They are good friends and I am related to a couple of them. I am so thankful they pray for me. But there's stuff I don't feel right sharing with them because I don't want to drag them down too much. On here I want to open up, but I know I won't be completely open in a transparent way. I will skirt the issue, allude to the issue, I will even say I have an issue, but I'll never tell you the darn issue!!! And so when I say I have not one single soul walking on the face of the earth to share some things with (I always have God), it doesn't mean I have no support or no one that cares and prays for me, but truly inside, sometimes I'm as lonely as they come. Hmmm...how's that for open? Maybe everyone is. I don't believe that, though, because I've read on too many blogs, people saying they're married to their best friends. I think of the best friends I used to have and can't imagine what that must be like. I guess that leaves a little hole in my soul. Now I feel guilty because I'm not saying that God fills that place. God is wonderful and has so blessed my life, but He still created us to live in community, to need others as unfortunate as that can be sometimes. If any people in my life read this, I hope they're feelings aren't hurt. They do matter and I appreciate them. They'd love to be there for me, I'm sure, but I just can't bring myself to burden them. Nevertheless, I am still struggling more than anyone knows.
Had a nice man at church come up to me and give me a phone number for a talkline, where people can call and talk to someone about their problems. Imagine that! He works there. What a caring soul he is to sit and listen to people he doesn't even know. I'm thinking it's volunteer, but I don't know that for a fact. And I think, I couldn't just call up a stranger and tell them my sob stories. But a wonderful service it is. Wow! This is why people go to priests. I'm so thankful I can go directly to God. But maybe it does something for them to have a human on the other side talk to them. The only time I've shared my problems with a stranger, they were counselors. And that was no problem.
Honestly, at times, I feel like two people. My public person and my private person. And that bothers me. Why am I so full of something I can't share? It wears me out. I am getting tired. Put on a happy face. And a lot of the time, I am happy. But usually there's something right below the surface that doesn't see the light, but always hides there. I suppose this is what unresolved issues can do to you. Masking is very unhealthy. I hope someday to rid myself of all that stuff and just be the same on the outside as on the inside.
I want to be open. An open book. But that's a real joke! I would love to be that open with at least one person on the earth. Ahh...who could stand it?
For one I know it's not safe and for two, I have things I don't want people to know. That's normal, isn't it? There is still a strange desire to just put it out there when I feel like it. Just the way it is...but someone might actually see it! Ha ha. So sitting here is pretty strange, actually, I feel like I'm writing into thin air. This is a new blog and I doubt anyone's reading it. Almost feels like I'm talking to myself sometimes.
Before you really know better, you tend to be open. I was when I was a teenager. I remember spending hours upon hours talking about stuff. What changed me? I think isolation partially. I moved away from people, grew away from people and had lots of babies that I stayed home with, but also I became a Christian and started being more cautious about what I shared, either for fear of being judged or for not wanting people to know my stuff. So I became more private and shared problems with God. But honestly I long to have that kind of trust with a person. Fairy tale thinking again. I think my time is passed.
I think of a friend I had long ago. We started backwards and dated, then we became friends and were friends for a good four years or so. We had one thing in common. Music. We could talk about music for hours. We had a shared passion and that really bonded us. Dating didn't work out for us, too many life differences, but we made good friends. I had a few really close friends that I did everything with, and not one is here with me today. I miss them. Of course we probably wouldn't have a thing in common anymore, since I've changed dramatically, but I still miss them. I wonder what it's like to bring a best friend into adulthood with you? I'm rambling and that's okay because no one is reading this anyway :)
I have a prayer-group at my home and they are such a blessing to me. They are good friends and I am related to a couple of them. I am so thankful they pray for me. But there's stuff I don't feel right sharing with them because I don't want to drag them down too much. On here I want to open up, but I know I won't be completely open in a transparent way. I will skirt the issue, allude to the issue, I will even say I have an issue, but I'll never tell you the darn issue!!! And so when I say I have not one single soul walking on the face of the earth to share some things with (I always have God), it doesn't mean I have no support or no one that cares and prays for me, but truly inside, sometimes I'm as lonely as they come. Hmmm...how's that for open? Maybe everyone is. I don't believe that, though, because I've read on too many blogs, people saying they're married to their best friends. I think of the best friends I used to have and can't imagine what that must be like. I guess that leaves a little hole in my soul. Now I feel guilty because I'm not saying that God fills that place. God is wonderful and has so blessed my life, but He still created us to live in community, to need others as unfortunate as that can be sometimes. If any people in my life read this, I hope they're feelings aren't hurt. They do matter and I appreciate them. They'd love to be there for me, I'm sure, but I just can't bring myself to burden them. Nevertheless, I am still struggling more than anyone knows.
Had a nice man at church come up to me and give me a phone number for a talkline, where people can call and talk to someone about their problems. Imagine that! He works there. What a caring soul he is to sit and listen to people he doesn't even know. I'm thinking it's volunteer, but I don't know that for a fact. And I think, I couldn't just call up a stranger and tell them my sob stories. But a wonderful service it is. Wow! This is why people go to priests. I'm so thankful I can go directly to God. But maybe it does something for them to have a human on the other side talk to them. The only time I've shared my problems with a stranger, they were counselors. And that was no problem.
Honestly, at times, I feel like two people. My public person and my private person. And that bothers me. Why am I so full of something I can't share? It wears me out. I am getting tired. Put on a happy face. And a lot of the time, I am happy. But usually there's something right below the surface that doesn't see the light, but always hides there. I suppose this is what unresolved issues can do to you. Masking is very unhealthy. I hope someday to rid myself of all that stuff and just be the same on the outside as on the inside.
Sometimes I feel like no one's reading my blog either... and then I find out someone like you has read it! (read this about that! http://www.critchat.blogspot.com/2011/12/focused-on-being-un-focused.html)
ReplyDeleteBeing open is risky... but it can also be very rewarding and liberating. Sometimes I worry that I am too open, but I spent too many years behind walls I'd built up to protect myself from being hurt. I decided that it wasn't really living fully and so I chose to take the risk of exposing who I really was with the hope that I would be accepted... and I was :)
As a pastor once said "you can cling to the trunk of the tree where it's safe and starve, but to get to the fruit you have to go out on a limb, because fruit grows on the tiny twigs" Have a wonderful day :)
You know it's so funny that you should come over here and say this today. I was on the phone with my adult daughter and I was signing in and asking her again if I really should have this second blog. She's like why not? I was explaining to her about having a blog where I could just talk about whatever. Then I say, but nobody is reading it and on and on and then I see that you left a comment and I practically screamed! I was so surprised. Then I thought...God must want me to keep this one and open up more.
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate your comment here. Thank you and I am taking it to heart. I love what the pastor said, thanks so much for passing it along to me. I struggle with a lot of fear and God is trying to bring me out. Btw, it's nice to meet you and congrats on finding that great guy!