Life Journal - entry 1

-
I guess right now I really need this blog as an outlet - to write about the things I'm going through. I journal life. It's hard to write about much else right now.

One thing I'd like to say is that it's hard to have your life fall apart in full veiw of the church. Like you can't just go quietly find a corner for it to happen in, no it's got to happen where you feel like a spectacle. You know people talk; people judge. People have their opinions... I have several in my inner-circle that are supportive and understanding, but I know there are those that don't get it. I am comfortable enough in my church to not really care too much about that. They can think what they want. But I do have to put on a face and pretend everything's okay. So what else is new? I am a master of disguise, unfortunately. Some days it's not really an act. Some days I really am okay, in spite of what's happening. And others, well I get a little down. But I think church helps me more than anything, staying busy with the kids and watching them enjoy themselves and grow, blesses me.

Seems things are happening in s-l-o-w  m-o-t-i-o-n. He's still working on getting a place, maybe it will be today. Different options keep popping up. So I feel like I can't really start my life again until he's not here.

It's strange, I don't really know what my life is going to look like, feel like, once this happens. We've been together for a long time, 17 years, and I am a way different person now. All I can say is it hasn't been a happy relationship. So I am looking forward to rest and peace. I am looking forward to freedom to live without dealing with the chaos. I am excited to see the difference there will be.

There are some things I have to work out, but I know the Lord will provide what we need. This is a step of faith for me as I don't feel very confident. But I know this is His will for us. He has led in obvious ways in order for me to trust Him.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

Over the past few years God has been working things out. Answering prayers that would allow me to do this. From where we now live, to the fact that my kids can ride the bus to school, to me trusting Him to provide what we need. It has been a slow process, only God knows why. But we are here now and I am ready to do this thing with God.

Maybe someday I will share some of the stories about how God has led. Right now I just need to write about this transition I am going through.

Thank you for reading.

Comments

  1. Pam...May 22, 2012 at 9:47 AM

    Thanks for sharing your heart and being real. It's hard to be a real person and a Christian. Like you said, we all have times when our 'walls' are up and our disguises are on.
    But we only need to fear God, not man.
    Nope, church isn't perfect. Just a hospital for sick people. Unfortunately, some don't remember that they are sick!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Difference God Makes

-
So about a month and a half ago, I talked about the story in the Bible with the two demon-possessed guys that lived in the tombs, naked and cutting themselves, at prayer-meeting. Jesus cast the demons out and sent them to live in the herd of pigs. After he restored them, one begged Jesus to take him with him. He wanted to be with Jesus and be His disciple. But Jesus said, "No, go back home and tell them what I have done for you." And the man instantly obeyed - no questions asked. Forgive my loose paraphrase. I decided that since we were on the subject of the two demoniacs that night, I would share an experience that I had when I was a teenager, with them. When I was fourteen, I met a guy when we moved to a new town. I was completely into the heavy-metal scene. So when I showed up at school, he noticed me pretty quickly, wearing my black rock shirts and Levi jacket with the patches. Kids like us all gravitated toward each other because we had a common bond. Plus he thought I
Read more

Old Houses

-
Image
I love old houses. I feel really sad to see them like this. To me this house is still beautiful, still majestic. I imagine all the rooms. All the detailed woodwork and moulding inside, the stairway, the high ceilings and old fixtures that are still intact. Like doorknobs, locks and hinges. Probably some of the original glass is still in the windows. At one point someone must have really loved this house.  This is a storybook house. It reminds me of the "The Secret Garden." It's tucked away and hidden. I can imagine myself wandering through the woods and stumbling upon it. Then bringing paint and other things to fix it up. I read a book once when I was a kid about a girl who found a house and did that, but I can't remember the name. When I see a house like this, it makes me think of the little farm family that once lived here. If I try hard enough I can still see kids running through the yard laughing and mama hanging clothes on the line. Simpler times, simpl
Read more

Down By the River

-
Image
One of my favorite things to do on a Saturday afternoon - hanging out at the river. It was a perfect day. We went for a walk on the trail, enjoying the warm sunshine and cool breeze.  The kids chased butterflies and picked wildflowers. I spent some time down by the river just reflecting on God's beautiful nature and writing in my prayer-journal, while they played. So peaceful. My daughter, Sophie, myself and my youngest daughter, Amanda. Our friend, Martin, with Sophie and Amanda Mandie playing in the dirt. Martin can throw pretty far.  Ahh...JOY!!!!
Read more