Normal People
I often look at normal people with their normal lives doing normal things that normal people do. And I wonder--do they realize what they have?
They go along calmly living. They cook special things, talk about their kids, love their families, go about their lives working, playing, resting. They seem so quiet, settled and happy. Perfectly content. Perfectly placid.
I compare myself with them and am amazed by the shocking, overwhelming contrast. My whole life has been anything but normal, anything but placid. My life is one of extremes. Extreme sorrows; extreme joys. Always lots of noise...sometimes good, sometimes not so good.
Today, a kind, retired pastor was our visiting speaker at church. He is the epitome of a good Adventist. Soft-spoken, kind, spiritual, went to all the right schools, married a wonderful, sweet Adventist wife. He is living the Adventist American dream. And I wondered as he spoke of his 51 years of a happy marriage and shared stories of his calling into the ministry--does he know what he has?
As he said,"We have been so happy together". I quietly savored the fact that my divorce would be final in just a few days. And silently mourned the fact that I didn't have the same experience this man has had in his life. And sometimes I feel so marginalized in my denomination. Not that anyone is making me feel that way, but there are so many that have a "normal" Adventist life. I quit trying to fit in and am celebrating the fact that I am different, that I have had many experiences others have not.
I feel like the fact that my parents were alcoholics and drug addicts, that I was raised poor and in a non-Christian, dysfunctional home, that I was a rebel, into heavy-metal and partying, that I was pregnant at 14, falling into bad relationships unwittingly, that I was into astrology and other minor occult practices, that I didn't attend traditional high school, but was on independant study, that I felt very alone in the world, that I have suffered much--has given me something many will only be able to try to understand, first-hand knowledge of what it feels like to be lost and broken in so many ways, which in turn, I can use to minister to the needs of hurting people in many various situations. I know their heart-cries.
When I came into the church at 26, I wanted to be the best Adventist I could be. I studied hard and truly understood the teachings and mission of the church. I fully embraced it. My budding relationship with God was growing as I grew in knowledge and experience in the Christian life. I married the man that I had previousy lived with for five years and already had my two younger kids with in order to "do the right thing". He was not a believer and I was. Honestly, I didn't feel I had a lot of choices, at the time. Our relationship was never a good one. Two years after we got married, we separated for a year, during which time, my youngest of five, was born. I would spend the next ten years in this emotionally abusive marriage, with several separations. Which brings me down to today.
And as he said,"We have been so happy together". I quietly savored the fact that my divorce would be final in just a few days. And silently mourned the fact that I didn't have the same experience that this man has had in his life.
But then I remembered what I do have.
In all the dark times after becoming a Christian, there was really only One I could go to. Jesus. And as I questioned Him, and accused Him and as I made promises to Him and bargained and pled with Him and cried to Him, and tried to make my marriage work again and again only to fail repeatedly, He solidly stood by my side in compassion, comforting me, promising me--there will come a day when I will deliver you from this and you will know love. Hundreds of times and in many ways, He would repeat that promise to me. Every time in the past four years, when I would go to Him, He would lift me with that same promise. I have received so much love from God, through all of this, that I love Him more than would have been possible for me, if I had lived a "normal" life--Adventist or otherwise.
And now His promises are beginning to be fulfilled.
Promise--click here
They go along calmly living. They cook special things, talk about their kids, love their families, go about their lives working, playing, resting. They seem so quiet, settled and happy. Perfectly content. Perfectly placid.
I compare myself with them and am amazed by the shocking, overwhelming contrast. My whole life has been anything but normal, anything but placid. My life is one of extremes. Extreme sorrows; extreme joys. Always lots of noise...sometimes good, sometimes not so good.
Today, a kind, retired pastor was our visiting speaker at church. He is the epitome of a good Adventist. Soft-spoken, kind, spiritual, went to all the right schools, married a wonderful, sweet Adventist wife. He is living the Adventist American dream. And I wondered as he spoke of his 51 years of a happy marriage and shared stories of his calling into the ministry--does he know what he has?
As he said,"We have been so happy together". I quietly savored the fact that my divorce would be final in just a few days. And silently mourned the fact that I didn't have the same experience this man has had in his life. And sometimes I feel so marginalized in my denomination. Not that anyone is making me feel that way, but there are so many that have a "normal" Adventist life. I quit trying to fit in and am celebrating the fact that I am different, that I have had many experiences others have not.
I feel like the fact that my parents were alcoholics and drug addicts, that I was raised poor and in a non-Christian, dysfunctional home, that I was a rebel, into heavy-metal and partying, that I was pregnant at 14, falling into bad relationships unwittingly, that I was into astrology and other minor occult practices, that I didn't attend traditional high school, but was on independant study, that I felt very alone in the world, that I have suffered much--has given me something many will only be able to try to understand, first-hand knowledge of what it feels like to be lost and broken in so many ways, which in turn, I can use to minister to the needs of hurting people in many various situations. I know their heart-cries.
When I came into the church at 26, I wanted to be the best Adventist I could be. I studied hard and truly understood the teachings and mission of the church. I fully embraced it. My budding relationship with God was growing as I grew in knowledge and experience in the Christian life. I married the man that I had previousy lived with for five years and already had my two younger kids with in order to "do the right thing". He was not a believer and I was. Honestly, I didn't feel I had a lot of choices, at the time. Our relationship was never a good one. Two years after we got married, we separated for a year, during which time, my youngest of five, was born. I would spend the next ten years in this emotionally abusive marriage, with several separations. Which brings me down to today.
And as he said,"We have been so happy together". I quietly savored the fact that my divorce would be final in just a few days. And silently mourned the fact that I didn't have the same experience that this man has had in his life.
But then I remembered what I do have.
In all the dark times after becoming a Christian, there was really only One I could go to. Jesus. And as I questioned Him, and accused Him and as I made promises to Him and bargained and pled with Him and cried to Him, and tried to make my marriage work again and again only to fail repeatedly, He solidly stood by my side in compassion, comforting me, promising me--there will come a day when I will deliver you from this and you will know love. Hundreds of times and in many ways, He would repeat that promise to me. Every time in the past four years, when I would go to Him, He would lift me with that same promise. I have received so much love from God, through all of this, that I love Him more than would have been possible for me, if I had lived a "normal" life--Adventist or otherwise.
And now His promises are beginning to be fulfilled.
Promise--click here
Yes, normal is just a setting on the dryer...isn't that how it goes? lol. Some people do have a charmed life. Some, a life of continuous deep struggles. I think you have found the key though. Thankfulness for any and all things you can think. Continuously. That brings an acceptance and peace and a humble attitude toward God...who can do anything He wants and surely has not given us what we deserve. Praise God.
ReplyDeleteYes, I have been through alot also, normal has never happened for me either. I have alot of those feelings myself.I have never had normal, but I hope before I die, I will have known a real love. I am so thankful for Jesus though, maybe this is why I am so willing to give him my life and come out of the the world. After seeing the world as I have... no thanks.. I'm not walking, but running towards Jesus.
ReplyDelete*hugs* I don't think anyone is normal if you look past the public appearances. But some are definitely closer to "normal" than others. I'm so glad that you were able to find God in the midst of everything. I think that is way more important than "having it all," whatever that means. :)
ReplyDeleteWell look at you, gettin' all real with yourself ;)
ReplyDeleteSo proud of you :)
I think we'd all be surprised to see the real lives, pain and struggles that some of the "normal" people actually do struggle with.
ReplyDeleteWe all have our issues and God knows them all and provides healing and love to us all. Isn't He wonderful?