Day One, Again

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Seventeen years seems like such a long, long time. Such a waste of life, in a sense. But one day leads into the next and then the next and then a week goes by and then a month and before you know it so many years go by. And you look in the mirror and see a much older, much wiser face and you realize you're back at day one, again. Feeling regretful tonight and yet I know it was all according to God's plan and timetable. And I don't know if I had that much to do with it taking so long to get out of the relationship or not, but I have noticed that I grew in many ways and that many circumstances had to be put in place before I could be out of the situation. And it seems a lot of things just had to play out. I'm still trying to make sense of it all. The one word I keep coming back to is--waste.

I wrote in my last post about sharing some of the ways God has worked in my life and then I couldn't seem to get into the right frame of mind to really go into it. I still hope to do that. I'd love to share those things with you, but tonight I just feel like writing down my thoughts.

Throughout all of this, I feel a hollow emptiness. Like I've poured out my soul and it seeped into the dry ground. Like all the effort, all the time, all the emotion was completely in vain and meaningless. But I know it all counted with God. I am upset that I stayed in such an unhealthy place for so long. It was never my desire, but for many reasons, I couldn't seem to take myself out of it. Real reasons. And so I don't judge myself or beat myself up over it. Many others can't understand and I find it very difficult to explain it in a simple enough way. So I leave it unsaid for now.

The landscape looks different in my life. And though it's foreign and sometimes even frightening, there are new places to discover and explore. New hopes to hold onto to, new dreams to build, new pages to write and new joys to experience. And as I look in the mirror at the much older and much wiser face, I see the smile of one who realizes that being back at day one, again, is the best place to be.



Comments

  1. CassandraAugust 11, 2012 at 5:28 PM

    *hugs* I admire your resilience. And I wish the best for you!

    ReplyDelete

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