Life in His Hand

I saw a lady today with the most deformed face I have ever seen. So deformed that I had to look away. I thought of how horrible it must be for her to go out in public. She was with a group of people and other than her face, she seemed completely normal. The feeling that hit me was one of shame. Shame that I neglect to really appreciate what I have and maybe even more important--what I do not have. It could just be so much worse. How can I hurt? Complain? Want? after seeing what some people have to deal with? But I am me. I do have the struggles that I have. And I am not a robot without emotion--though sometimes I almost wish I were. Almost. After I left the memory of the deformed woman back at the gas station where I saw her, I also forgot the words I said to myself there--I should never complain. The fact is is that I DO appreciate what I have. I appreciate my life, who I am, who God is and how He is involved in my life, and that we are all healthy, etc. I appreciate that our life i...

I met her when I was nine. We were best friends...forever. And then we sort of went our separate ways at about twenty. I saw her 10 years ago, for a few hours. Haven't heard from her or been able to find her. Today, she found me on Facebook!! She's calling after work. Yes...we'll be up pretty late :) So much has happened in the past 10 years!!! So much to catch up on. So much to reminisce about! So much saying...can you believe we did that?! I have to admit, I am a little nervous. My life isn't where I wished it was...but it is what it is. Been praying for this!

Typically, at my bible study, we do celebrate birthdays a little. So this morning as we got started, and nothing was brought up about my birthday, I figured maybe that was going to fizzle out and that was okay with me. I told them about all the surprises that had gone on over the past few days. They were happy to hear the details. When everything was over, Julie says, "Hope no one's in a hurry. We brought a party!!! Then I saw balloons all over my bed that she had had my daughter blow up on the sly. I had to run one lady home and when I got back, I found they had done their magic!! This is my group--usually there are about two more people. So now I am wondering...what's gonna happen tomorrow?!

So I have dreaded this birthday for a decade now. But this birthday has turned out to be the best birthday ever! On Saturday I got this in the mail...with no note attached! I had randomly mentioned about a week before, on Facebook, that maybe I needed a gnome with a red hat. I guessed it must have been my sister and niece (in Florida) that sent it and I was right! It was such a fun surprise! I posted a pic on Facebook and my niece said-Oh baby, Aunt Hanna got a man for her b-day!! Haha! Just what I wanted! Lol!! On Sunday, I was out shopping and came home to this: A surprise party!! I have never had one before. My older daughter showed up and put it together with the kids. So sweet and thoughtful. One very bright cake! They all gave me all of my favorite things. So much thought was put in. So when my birthday rolled around this morning I was content and figured it had already been celebrated for the most part. And then my daughter, Savannah, gave me this...

Cruel how the mind plays tricks on you. As I was laying in bed this morning, contemplating the day, trying to be thankful to God for what I have, my mind slipped into a state of semi-sleep and the phone rang. I answered it and heard a distant voice, stopping to call. "I had to pick up so and so..." Sometimes he used to call when he'd be out. I heard other voices in the background. I had not heard his voice in so long and was happy to hear it...then I woke up. It's hard to lose a friend, someone who felt so dear. As I lay there, the tears spilled down my cheeks, as they often do, when the thoughts come. Dreams are worse.

So many people come and go. I am simply amazed that I have managed to stay somewhat connected with two young inmates for almost four years. The letters are infrequent and I practically quit before each letter I write, but usually what happens is I receive one. So today I got a letter from Josiah. Unfortunately, much time has passed since I've heard from him and he actually had surgery on his foot. I seriously wish I could turn this into a ministry by just putting more effort into it. Writing more often. Trying to offer whatever encouragement I can. I'm not here to judge, I don't even know what they are in for, but Jesus says to visit those in prison. So I do this for Him... but I need to take it off the back-burner. Maybe I am the only positive influence they have. Hope not, but prison's a pretty dreary place. I also have had family in jail and prison and so I know some of them just have made mistakes. Maybe God has given them into my hands... if that's true, I am...

My new project is... learning to be content. Lately, I have been so down. Mainly, because I had to face the fact that someone I thought cared, really just didn't. Not in the true sense. And with that, comes all the mulling over and the regrets and asking myself why I allowed this to happen when I knew better. For the last couple days, it's just been yuck.  Instead of holding onto all the regrets I have, I am going to just learn from my mistakes and start focusing on something more worthwhile like--POPPIES!! Today, I saw the poppies blooming for the first time this year! I'm a wildflower lover and the fields are beginning to come alive. The birds are singing. The sky is blue. The sun is shining. I want my heart to reflect that. I need to just let it all go and realize, fully, that today is a new day. I am alive and free and it's wonderful!

In the last few days, Christmas has been happening in my heart. Not the tree, ornaments, and stressed out Christmas, but the beautiful amazing and totally wild story of Christmas. It all started when I was driving home a few days ago. I caught myself or should I say, my daughter caught me singing (real quietly) a Christmas carol. "Mom, are you singing a Christmas song?" She asked incredulously. I had to admit I was. As I continued driving and zoning out in my own little world, I noticed I was absentmindedly singing many different ones. I've had a lot on my mind lately :) The next day, I ended up babysitting my grandkids. When I got to my oldest daughter's house, she had just put on the movie she had bought for us-one for her and one for me. It was The Nativity Story--which I had not seen before. I told her to back it up and I watched it. I thought it was beautiful. It gave me such a feeling of awe and reverence for God all over again. God is so awesome! If...

I had heard of the book--One Thousand Gifts, but didn't pay attention. Then one day, I picked it up in the Christian book store and started reading it. Suddenly, I realized how much I needed to read it. It also made me want to be a farmer's wife(the author is)..lol. Of course you don't need to marry a farmer to have the mindset described in the book. Tonight, I found this video and it just brings tears to my eyes. It's so beautiful and I resonate with it so much, I thought I'd share it with you :) My birthday is coming up and this is what I want...I think I let that slip out to a couple of people..my kids :) Enjoy!

With God, every emotion seems to be felt more deeply. Love is stronger, passion is fiercer, regret stings more bitterly, joy-more exultant, peace is a smooth, calm surface, pain is a dark, hollow place. And for all these and through all these, there is One Friend who is always nearby. Always watching, laughing, crying, looking in sympathy, wiping away tears. There is One who knows every need and realizes every intent of your heart. One who knows the truth of you. One who stands by to pick up the pieces and say, "It's not over yet." And as I go through times of joy and pain in this life, He walks with me. And as I plead for guidance and agonize over a situation, He comes and talks with me. The God of heaven stoops so low to speak to me-the thought of that floors me. How blessed I am. How truly blessed we are.

My new theme song...