Life in His Hand

I saw a lady today with the most deformed face I have ever seen. So deformed that I had to look away. I thought of how horrible it must be for her to go out in public. She was with a group of people and other than her face, she seemed completely normal. The feeling that hit me was one of shame. Shame that I neglect to really appreciate what I have and maybe even more important--what I do not have. It could just be so much worse. How can I hurt? Complain? Want? after seeing what some people have to deal with? But I am me. I do have the struggles that I have. And I am not a robot without emotion--though sometimes I almost wish I were. Almost. After I left the memory of the deformed woman back at the gas station where I saw her, I also forgot the words I said to myself there--I should never complain. The fact is is that I DO appreciate what I have. I appreciate my life, who I am, who God is and how He is involved in my life, and that we are all healthy, etc. I appreciate that our life i...

Cruel how the mind plays tricks on you. As I was laying in bed this morning, contemplating the day, trying to be thankful to God for what I have, my mind slipped into a state of semi-sleep and the phone rang. I answered it and heard a distant voice, stopping to call. "I had to pick up so and so..." Sometimes he used to call when he'd be out. I heard other voices in the background. I had not heard his voice in so long and was happy to hear it...then I woke up. It's hard to lose a friend, someone who felt so dear. As I lay there, the tears spilled down my cheeks, as they often do, when the thoughts come. Dreams are worse.

Every New Year, I pray for a word that sort of describes and sets the tone for the upcoming year. Last year's word was- "step."   God impresses them on my mind. You can click on "step" in my labels to read about what all happened with that word this year. Last year was very hard, as I was approaching the New Year. I was under tremendous pressure at home. I knew my husband and I needed to get a divorce. I just didn't know how the kids and I would make it. So there was a lot of fear surrounding that. During that year (2011), God had provided things for us (teaching me to trust Him) when there simply was no money, including moving us to this smaller, cheaper house-where the kids and I could have a chance to afford to live on our own, when the time came. I knew the time would come, when I found out we were moving here, because He had announced it to me a month ahead of time. Soon, I need to share the story of the sparrow and the little blue house. Another st...

For those of you that don't know, this year has been a doozy for me. I went through a divorce and all the transitions and changes have been very difficult. I am really learning to trust God. EVERYTHING is different. There is not one aspect of my life that hasn't changed or hasn't been affected in some way, even things that are foundational to me, like church, haven't been left untouched by this. But there has been a lot of growth on my part. This has been good for me, although it didn't/doesn't always feel so wonderful. Divorce is hard. I knew I needed out of the marriage. The emotional trauma that this divorce caused was just tremendous.  And so the pain and all the emotional stuff I went through, actually surprised me a little. I didn't think it would be so bad. Slowly, things have gotten better. I am learning to stand on my own two feet-still feeling a bit wobbly. On the flip-side, the benefits of this life-changing event are wonderful. I am no lo...

There's a big, big world out there... I've been praying a whole lot about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life now. I have NEVER felt as vulnerable as I do now. Everything's so up in the air. Major life changes are happening as if with a mind of their own. I guess I really have little control over most things. One thing I think of is the fact that my daughter's moving an hour away with my grandbabies. My sister also recently moved away, my kids will probably only be spending half their sabbaths with me. It's almost as if all the old is being torn away, and everything that was once so familiar will be replaced with new and different things. I'm in limbo...between what was and what will be. It's a weird place to be. I'm really praying for guidance and direction. As we've had some struggles lately, I've seen God use people to help with our needs. It has been amazing and faith-building. I believe God will make things clear to me and ope...

It has been almost eight months since this year began. And what a crazy, WONDERFUL year it has been!!! So many things have changed! My life has changed! As the New Year was approaching, I decided to pray for a word that would describe it somehow; to give me an idea of what God had in store for me. The year before, I prayed for a word and I was impressed with "trust". And wow! Did a lot of amazing things happen that showed just Who was truly in charge and just how BIG He was! One of the major things that happened, last year, was for us to move into our current house which has enabled me to do what God had planned for me to do this year. Everything builds. I'll tell you the story of my little, blue house some other time. So I began praying and right away, the word "step" came into my mind. And it persisted. I said, "Oh no, Lord! I hope this doesn't mean what I think it does." Step out of the boat, Peter! Time to get out of your comfort-zone. The y...

My d-i-v-o-r-c-e was final...on Friday!!! Received the papers today. There was a small problem with them a couple weeks ago, so the judge did not sign. Instead they were sent back with a note, explaining what the problem was. So I had to resubmit them to the court last week and wait. So yay!! They passed this time! (I'M FREEE!!!!) The kids will be able to go to church this weekend and I'm thinking he's just threatening me with the only thing he can now. Next time I'm not going to get upset, but just put it all in God's hands. Thank you for your support!

I'll be glad when all of this is over and far, far into the past! The ex is threatening not to let the girls go to church on HIS weekend. Before we finished the divorce, while we were "agreeing" on stuff, I told him I didn't have a problem with him having the girls every other weekend, but they still had to go to church. He totally agreed to that. But now he's making threats and going back on his word. Yes, this is the only thing he has to use to hurt me with and I told him it's the girls he's hurting. Then he threw out there that He might take them to church in a different town. That's doubtful. When I first became a Christian, Savannah was only a year and a half, Sophie was five months and Mandie wasn't even born yet. Since I began taking them, they've rarely missed a day in church. Mandie was in church since conception. She came out singing hymns! Since we belong to a small church, I have had the privilege of spending years teaching my own...

Seventeen years seems like such a long, long time. Such a waste of life, in a sense. But one day leads into the next and then the next and then a week goes by and then a month and before you know it so many years go by. And you look in the mirror and see a much older, much wiser face and you realize you're back at day one, again. Feeling regretful tonight and yet I know it was all according to God's plan and timetable. And I don't know if I had that much to do with it taking so long to get out of the relationship or not, but I have noticed that I grew in many ways and that many circumstances had to be put in place before I could be out of the situation. And it seems a lot of things just had to play out. I'm still trying to make sense of it all. The one word I keep coming back to is--waste. I wrote in my last post about sharing some of the ways God has worked in my life and then I couldn't seem to get into the right frame of mind to really go into it. I still h...

Life is strange. No matter how long you're in a situation, it never stays the same. You will not always be there, doing what you're doing or dealing with what you're dealing with. That can be hard to remember, at times. Especially when you're in the midst of it. We can't see what lies just around the next curve. My life is now beginning to look a lot different. The daily stress I used to endure is gone. My bleak future has been replaced with one of hope. I no longer see brick walls and chains. Now I see blue skies and possibilities. As I place my hand in His, I know I can trust Him wherever He leads. My prayer has been for awhile, that I wanted God's plan--not mine. He sees around the next bend, well He's paving the road! So if today, you are faced with something hard, something so bad that it doesn't feel like you can go on for one more day--hold on. It won't always be this way. Things will change. And that is why it's never a good idea to...

I often look at normal people with their normal lives doing normal things that normal people do. And I wonder--do they realize what they have? They go along calmly living. They cook special things, talk about their kids, love their families, go about their lives working, playing, resting. They seem so quiet, settled and happy. Perfectly content. Perfectly placid. I compare myself with them and am amazed by the shocking, overwhelming contrast. My whole life has been anything but normal, anything but placid. My life is one of extremes. Extreme sorrows; extreme joys. Always lots of noise...sometimes good, sometimes not so good. Today, a kind, retired pastor was our visiting speaker at church. He is the epitome of a good Adventist. Soft-spoken, kind, spiritual, went to all the right schools, married a wonderful, sweet Adventist wife. He is living the Adventist American dream. And I wondered as he spoke of his 51 years of a happy marriage and shared stories of his calling int...

There comes a time when you know you've done all you can, when there is not one glimmer of hope left. Two years ago, during a separation, I filed for divorce. Well needless to say, we got back together and didn't finalize the divorce. I wasn't super-hopeful, but my husband had found God and so we gave it another try. Yesterday, I went and finished the paperwork for my divorce. It was easier, smoother and faster than I thought it would be. We agreed on everything and were able to sign papers. Today, I  submitted the paperwork to the court and once outside the office I let out a small squeal of delight. Worrying about this has brought me down a lot and with it just so quickly coming together, I felt tremendously relieved. Since I filed over two years ago, my divorce will be final "upon entry of judgement". The six-month waiting period doesn't apply. So in about a week, I will officially be "divorced". It seems so fast, my head is spinning, but in...

So today I've decided to start rebuilding my life. Things are way different now and will contnue to be. I have felt so insecure, like the foundation has been pulled out from under me. Shaky, you know. But I know God is the true foundation and He's still here. This morning, when I woke up, I prayed that God would give me structure and stability. That He would give me strength... But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 And I spent time in His word. Then studied the Sabbath school lesson, even though I don't attend the class because I teach the kids. Wrote in my prayer-journal and then decided to write down my goals for all the different areas in my life. It has been so long since I've had the emotional energy to really even set any goals. Most of that energy had been consumed by fear, worry, sadness. Lately I've been so emoti...

This year, like no other, I am celebrating my freedom. For so long I have wanted to be in this very spot, but couldn't be. For so long I wanted to be out of what kept me bound, but for one reason or another, it wasn't to be...until now. I hope you're free today!!!!

It's funny how things can look a certain way, especially if it's something you want, then you realize something's just not right and after praying for the truth of the situation and God's will, you realize how far from the truth you actually were. Seems this is the story of my life lately. Looks can be deceiving. Supposed signs can be false. Putting two and two together with your own slant, can allow you to totally deceive yourself. I have been in situations lately that seemed right, only to keep praying and have the truth brought to me. So glad that as long as I hold onto God, He is helping me navigate through the murky waters of confusion and pulling me back to the shore. It would be nice if I didn't jump in so wholeheartedly in the first place! Maybe I need to be more cautious when standing on the bank. Keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground. The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9

Adjusting to my new life has been interesting. Things are definitely different. The atmosphere changed dramatically around here. I still feel a lot of stress and am having to try HARD to trust in God, but I know that I am doing this according to His will and plan for my life. He has been with me this far. I know I can count on Him to continue being with me. There are some things I am putting off doing that I know I need to do. I feel better about them now that I read an article which gives you permission to do just that. Deal with things when you're ready. So I will. I've surprised myself that I haven't let the lawn die and that I didn't, when I was mowing the back "field" this morning. Somehow the garbage can actually makes it out to the road before garbage day, too, which sort of amazes me. I've been working on organizing things around the house and it seems easier to keep clean. It feels more like "home" now. My kids have been spe...

While searching for direction; for guidance, I often claim the promise in James 1:5, which says--   If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. I actually believe God provides guidance when we are willing to align our lives with His will. In the past, I have made terrible choices, without praying; without seeking the Lord's wisdom. Mostly because I wasn't a Christian and didn't realize my need or opportunity. A lot of suffering has resulted from the thoughtless decisions I've made. And even in spite of them, a lot of blessings have also come my way. But the pain from those decisions has certainly caused me to become pretty gun shy. Not able to trust my own ability when it comes to making major life decisions. So I ask God for help a lot. He sees the bigger picture and has my best interests at heart. I honestly do want to follow His plan for my life. Since praying for God'...

I feel like I am walking through a dark tunnel with splashes of light here and there. There just seems to be a constant heaviness in my chest and a tenseness in my body that doesn't go away--except for occasional moments where I feel like I'm lifted up; fleeting moments in which I can forget reality for a little while. But no lasting peace. No feeling of "it's gonna be okay". I have to remind myself that God will see me through this. This is what needed to happen, I just didn't expect it to be so hard. Sources of L ight : God -- He has been very close to me, giving guidance and hope. Friends & Family -- offering encouragement and support & prayer. Music -- it lifts me up. Home -- changed some things around which lifted my spirits. Kids -- doing things with the church kids, as well as with my own, brings a lot of joy to my life . Nature -- blue skies and sunshine always make me feel hopeful . Dogs -- this one's wei...

All it took was one week out until he has hooked up with an old girlfriend. They are making plans to meet. Yep, it's all over Facebook for all to see. As much as I know that our relationship needed to be over and I am glad it is, this is still hard to see. It still hurts a lot. I know that really he is doing me a favor by doing this, because it frees me to remarry someday--according to biblical standards, but it still hurts. To be so quickly forgotten and replaced. I knew he didn't care, this just proves it. I was waiting for this to happen. Looking for it, actually, but didn't expect it to be so soon. My friend said...give a man enough rope and he'll hang himself. So right now I am in a really hard place. I knew this friend request was sitting unaccepted for over a year. I believe he knew all along that when he accepted it, this would happen. I wonder just how long this was in his mind. Please pray for me. This has just made a hard thing much harder.

One way that God communicates with me is by having the same message come at me from different places. I like to call them "clusters." He really gets my attention when He does this. I have heard of Him doing this with other people also. Over a week ago, when I was waiting for everything to happen, I was writing/praying a lot in my prayer-journal about the situation. I picked up my daughter's little daily devotional book that was a gift for her baptism and found a little story to read. At the bottom of the page, there was a small section  which said... Think of a time when God said - wait. If God is allowing a door to be closed for you, look for the one He is opening. That really jumped out at me. I even have a keychain which says..when God shuts one door He always opens another. That brought me a little encouragement. A couple of days later, I was at the park with my grandkids I watch and I was writing in my journal and it was like a voice said..."the door's o...