Life in His Hand

One day I imagine I will put my complete trust in my Heavenly Father! He is always proving how very faithful He is. Today was another example of His love and care. I mentioned before that when I worry He says seek first My kingdom and My righteousness and ALL these things will be given to you as well...speaking of our everyday needs. I have an arrangement with my landlady. I keep up the yards and property in exchange for the utilities. So mowing her lawn and my lawn are not a problem. She has a nice riding lawn mower. It's almost actually fun! The problem comes with the mini field I have behind my house--then there's a drive that separates us. This "field" is too bumpy for her mower and I used to have a really old beat up lawn mower I used on it but it quit. I had told her that, but today she was saying how I needed to get those weeds down. So I prayed, Lord I need to be able to mow this. Please help me somehow. I prayed that the old beat up mower would work as I pu...

I recently met a new friend who said he had everything he wants in life, besides a wife. I cannot even begin to conceive what that feels like. I wonder how much of an affect does the absence of a wife have. The next time I talk to him, I think I'll ask. Of course, he could be a simple guy, content and truly happy with his life so far. Or he could have the perfect life. Mine just feels like it's in limbo still. I don't have everything together. And I sit and worry too much and it seems God continuously reminds me of Matthew 6:25-34 25  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry  about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?   26  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?   27  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life [ e...

I was reading back through my blog, during the time of my divorce over the summer. That was such a hard time for me. I was touched by the support I received on here at that time. I am here now with a lot of time in between then and now. I have learned that God can be trusted. That He sends you what you need--when you need it. Life was the same for me for so many years, all this change has been tough. I'm looking out over my life and saying, "Well now what do I do?" I know God has a plan and will guide me through the confusion I sometimes feel--all at the right time. Someday, I will look back on what's happening today and see how God's hand was leading me through this into the next phase. Little by little a more complete and stable picture will emerge. Until then, I am praying and trusting God. And I know we can trust Him to get us through the difficulties that come up. That even though we're not perfect, that we can tend to mess up things, He can still g...

For those of you that don't know, this year has been a doozy for me. I went through a divorce and all the transitions and changes have been very difficult. I am really learning to trust God. EVERYTHING is different. There is not one aspect of my life that hasn't changed or hasn't been affected in some way, even things that are foundational to me, like church, haven't been left untouched by this. But there has been a lot of growth on my part. This has been good for me, although it didn't/doesn't always feel so wonderful. Divorce is hard. I knew I needed out of the marriage. The emotional trauma that this divorce caused was just tremendous.  And so the pain and all the emotional stuff I went through, actually surprised me a little. I didn't think it would be so bad. Slowly, things have gotten better. I am learning to stand on my own two feet-still feeling a bit wobbly. On the flip-side, the benefits of this life-changing event are wonderful. I am no lo...

It's a crisp, cold morning and we are getting ready to head out to church. I'm pretty bundled up with a sweater, jacket, scarf and boots. Yep, feels like winter. There is so much to be thankful for-especially when I compare my life to how it was last year at this time. At least there is peace in my heart and in my home. I am looking forward to a future that is unknown. For so many years it seemed things would stay the same forever-because they had for soo long. I'm not exactly happy about an unknown future, but I am learning that this is when I must trust it to God and count on Him to help me. He hasn't let me down yet. It's still scary. Some lessons you can only learn by walking through them. One step at a time.

There's a big, big world out there... I've been praying a whole lot about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life now. I have NEVER felt as vulnerable as I do now. Everything's so up in the air. Major life changes are happening as if with a mind of their own. I guess I really have little control over most things. One thing I think of is the fact that my daughter's moving an hour away with my grandbabies. My sister also recently moved away, my kids will probably only be spending half their sabbaths with me. It's almost as if all the old is being torn away, and everything that was once so familiar will be replaced with new and different things. I'm in limbo...between what was and what will be. It's a weird place to be. I'm really praying for guidance and direction. As we've had some struggles lately, I've seen God use people to help with our needs. It has been amazing and faith-building. I believe God will make things clear to me and ope...

It has been almost eight months since this year began. And what a crazy, WONDERFUL year it has been!!! So many things have changed! My life has changed! As the New Year was approaching, I decided to pray for a word that would describe it somehow; to give me an idea of what God had in store for me. The year before, I prayed for a word and I was impressed with "trust". And wow! Did a lot of amazing things happen that showed just Who was truly in charge and just how BIG He was! One of the major things that happened, last year, was for us to move into our current house which has enabled me to do what God had planned for me to do this year. Everything builds. I'll tell you the story of my little, blue house some other time. So I began praying and right away, the word "step" came into my mind. And it persisted. I said, "Oh no, Lord! I hope this doesn't mean what I think it does." Step out of the boat, Peter! Time to get out of your comfort-zone. The y...

A new phenomenon that has been occuring, this summer, is that my mom comes over and we sit out in my yard and talk until it gets pretty late. This has been a wonderful therapy for me. For her, too. We get a chance to go over our problems and actually laugh a lot. It's been really nice. She's fairly recently divorced, as well, and so we find a lot of interesting things to talk about. It's nice to have someone handy to vent to, run ideas by or just ask advice from. Lately, we've been seeing lots of shooting stars while sitting in my yard. So lots of wishes have been made. At least by me. Maybe my wishes are half-wish and half-prayer. Either way, I always hope they come true! Luckily, God doesn't always give us what we pray for. Thankfully, every wish wished upon a shooting star is not granted. I'm so glad God's in charge and that He gives us what we really need and not just every whim our hearts imagine. I have experienced much of His discretion in my...

Seventeen years seems like such a long, long time. Such a waste of life, in a sense. But one day leads into the next and then the next and then a week goes by and then a month and before you know it so many years go by. And you look in the mirror and see a much older, much wiser face and you realize you're back at day one, again. Feeling regretful tonight and yet I know it was all according to God's plan and timetable. And I don't know if I had that much to do with it taking so long to get out of the relationship or not, but I have noticed that I grew in many ways and that many circumstances had to be put in place before I could be out of the situation. And it seems a lot of things just had to play out. I'm still trying to make sense of it all. The one word I keep coming back to is--waste. I wrote in my last post about sharing some of the ways God has worked in my life and then I couldn't seem to get into the right frame of mind to really go into it. I still h...

How big is your God? How small is your box you keep Him in? One thing that bothers me is when people limit God. They try to make Him fit their ideas instead of realizing that He can act in unusual ways. The Bible is full of examples of freak and weird things God has done. Like Jonah being swallowed by a fish, or lot's wife being turned into a pillar of salt. How about Balaam's talking donkey? God does not always fit into a neat little package tied with a bow. I haven't shared, with many, some of the highly unconventional ways God has worked in my life. Some of the promises He's made to me would cause others to raise an eyebrow. God sees the whole big picture and acts accordingly--whether or not it fits into someone's preconceived ideas and rules of what God "can" do or say. Four years ago, I went to Campmeeting, seeking God with all my heart. I was struggling so much under the burden of my miserable marriage. I spent much time in pray...

I often look at normal people with their normal lives doing normal things that normal people do. And I wonder--do they realize what they have? They go along calmly living. They cook special things, talk about their kids, love their families, go about their lives working, playing, resting. They seem so quiet, settled and happy. Perfectly content. Perfectly placid. I compare myself with them and am amazed by the shocking, overwhelming contrast. My whole life has been anything but normal, anything but placid. My life is one of extremes. Extreme sorrows; extreme joys. Always lots of noise...sometimes good, sometimes not so good. Today, a kind, retired pastor was our visiting speaker at church. He is the epitome of a good Adventist. Soft-spoken, kind, spiritual, went to all the right schools, married a wonderful, sweet Adventist wife. He is living the Adventist American dream. And I wondered as he spoke of his 51 years of a happy marriage and shared stories of his calling int...

So today I've decided to start rebuilding my life. Things are way different now and will contnue to be. I have felt so insecure, like the foundation has been pulled out from under me. Shaky, you know. But I know God is the true foundation and He's still here. This morning, when I woke up, I prayed that God would give me structure and stability. That He would give me strength... But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 And I spent time in His word. Then studied the Sabbath school lesson, even though I don't attend the class because I teach the kids. Wrote in my prayer-journal and then decided to write down my goals for all the different areas in my life. It has been so long since I've had the emotional energy to really even set any goals. Most of that energy had been consumed by fear, worry, sadness. Lately I've been so emoti...

It's funny how things can look a certain way, especially if it's something you want, then you realize something's just not right and after praying for the truth of the situation and God's will, you realize how far from the truth you actually were. Seems this is the story of my life lately. Looks can be deceiving. Supposed signs can be false. Putting two and two together with your own slant, can allow you to totally deceive yourself. I have been in situations lately that seemed right, only to keep praying and have the truth brought to me. So glad that as long as I hold onto God, He is helping me navigate through the murky waters of confusion and pulling me back to the shore. It would be nice if I didn't jump in so wholeheartedly in the first place! Maybe I need to be more cautious when standing on the bank. Keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground. The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9

Adjusting to my new life has been interesting. Things are definitely different. The atmosphere changed dramatically around here. I still feel a lot of stress and am having to try HARD to trust in God, but I know that I am doing this according to His will and plan for my life. He has been with me this far. I know I can count on Him to continue being with me. There are some things I am putting off doing that I know I need to do. I feel better about them now that I read an article which gives you permission to do just that. Deal with things when you're ready. So I will. I've surprised myself that I haven't let the lawn die and that I didn't, when I was mowing the back "field" this morning. Somehow the garbage can actually makes it out to the road before garbage day, too, which sort of amazes me. I've been working on organizing things around the house and it seems easier to keep clean. It feels more like "home" now. My kids have been spe...

While searching for direction; for guidance, I often claim the promise in James 1:5, which says--   If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. I actually believe God provides guidance when we are willing to align our lives with His will. In the past, I have made terrible choices, without praying; without seeking the Lord's wisdom. Mostly because I wasn't a Christian and didn't realize my need or opportunity. A lot of suffering has resulted from the thoughtless decisions I've made. And even in spite of them, a lot of blessings have also come my way. But the pain from those decisions has certainly caused me to become pretty gun shy. Not able to trust my own ability when it comes to making major life decisions. So I ask God for help a lot. He sees the bigger picture and has my best interests at heart. I honestly do want to follow His plan for my life. Since praying for God'...

Well the husband has left the building...four nights ago. I saw him yesterday and was reminded of why this is a good thing. Can I call him my ex now? I keep trying to wrap my head around that. I keep thinking of things that I am free to do. Not that I was totally controlled but there were certain things that I would refrain from out of respect for him. I am feeling somewhat nervous about the new things I will be doing and praying for God's help with them. But I am also feeling this incredible sense of freedom that I haven't experienced in years! Really it's almost like a brand-new start and I am trusting God will help me with the hard stuff as it comes up. I am now living in what was the "other side" for so long. Finally I am here. And believe me, it hasn't been easy getting here. God has brought me here from answering prayers to really working everything out, to giving me the faith I would need to trust Him for the things I don't understand; the things I...

I guess right now I really need this blog as an outlet - to write about the things I'm going through. I journal life. It's hard to write about much else right now. One thing I'd like to say is that it's hard to have your life fall apart in full veiw of the church. Like you can't just go quietly find a corner for it to happen in, no it's got to happen where you feel like a spectacle. You know people talk; people judge. People have their opinions... I have several in my inner-circle that are supportive and understanding, but I know there are those that don't get it. I am comfortable enough in my church to not really care too much about that. They can think what they want. But I do have to put on a face and pretend everything's okay. So what else is new? I am a master of disguise, unfortunately. Some days it's not really an act. Some days I really am okay, in spite of what's happening. And others, well I get a little down. But I think church helps...

A couple of years ago, my son was having to go through his lung surgery and I was so stressed and so scared. I felt like I couldn't do much but just be in the moment and it felt like I was sort of being carried along. I felt helpless and so dependent on God. He saw me through it. He carried me every step of the way. I look back and marvel at all the miracles He did for us then. He opened the right doors and provided what we needed. During that time, I got a glimpse of a very powerful and involved God. He cared so much for us. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. With my husband leaving, I feel so overwhelmed, kind of like when my son was going through his surgery. So as I sit here feeling the stress, the tension, I am hoping for His will and plan to be worked out in my life, though it's rough. But I am just standing here. I give up. I give up the fear, the what ifs, the worries. And what I am saying now is...if I sink, I sink. It would be better than contin...

There is something that I believe God said to me many years ago. I asked Him a question. A very serious and heartfelt question. I believe He answered me from His word, directly. I know that may sound crazy to some of you, but I was a new Christian, in a desperate situation. The question I asked was so important to me, that I asked for His answer to me, to be confirmed in a dream. I prayed that He would tell me a certain detail, at a certain time, in a dream and it happened at the exact time I asked for. That was 10 years ago, this month. Yes it's been a long time. But the issue that I prayed about is an ongoing thing and so I have waited and doubted and waited and doubted. And waited and wondered. Throughout these years, I have prayed about this same thing many, many times, always receiving the same consistent answer in many different ways. A very consistent and obvious answer. But one I have to wait for. So that's what's been happening for the past 10 years. And life goe...

Today, God reminded me of something. He has a plan for me. Sometimes it's uncomfortable and confusing. So we've been doing the prayer-meeting and I actually survived leading out. The other two that were helping have had things happening which have kept them from being able to help. I've been feeling the pressure from taking on new things, plus my fear wants to linger, at times. So this week I have been thinking that since the two aren't able to help, then maybe we should just forget it. Last week at my Sabbath school class I teach for the junior and youth age, I had a kid visit and say he wanted to join the youth group. He had heard from a young guy from church that Friday night was a youth program. I explained that it was a prayer-meeting and that I wanted to start having a youth night at church in a couple of weeks. So then I thought - I can't do all of this. This morning I tried to quit, but some that have been going, really want it to continue. We decided that...