Life in His Hand

Things are changing fast. God dropped another job into my lap--which I really love. My daughter goes with me and I get to spend every day with her. Kids grow up so fast! She'll be a teenager soon and you know what that means. My daughter, Savannah, is in a boarding academy about 3 1/2 hours from where I live. Our church is gung ho on having the kids in Christian Schools and have made it possible for kids whose families can't afford it, through various ways, to be able to go. My local church family have also committed themselves to helping Savannah. I pay what I can, which isn't a lot and I am so thankful for all the help. So there are only 3 of us home now...the incredibly shrinking household!! Hard to believe now there were seven of us! My girl will be here for visits and the summer. And of course I'd like to add one more member..instead of always decreasing ;) But he's nowhere to be found..YET! I do have my eye on someone...but it's just a thought. A sneakin...

My friend and I would go through many changes over the next several years. We didn't live in the same town, but we managed to see each other. Once she ran away to my house because her mom was "too strict" aka normal! And that was where I left off in the story. We were fourteen, lots of parties going on and hanging out. That was when I ended up pregnant. Yes, at fourteen. I was a baby, but didn't think so. I was tough and cool and people always commented on how mature I was and how much older I looked (now it's just the opposite!!! And I couldn't be happier!!) That's so funny because I look back now and just shake my head because I absolutely knew NOTHING about life! But no one could have told me that. And no one ever tried. No one ever gave me any kind of guidance and I realize now that if you don't have it, you can't give it. I know that was the case with me. The adults in my life were doing their own thing. They just didn't have the advice to...

So I have dreaded this birthday for a decade now. But this birthday has turned out to be the best birthday ever! On Saturday I got this in the mail...with no note attached! I had randomly mentioned about a week before, on Facebook, that maybe I needed a gnome with a red hat. I guessed it must have been my sister and niece (in Florida) that sent it and I was right! It was such a fun surprise! I posted a pic on Facebook and my niece said-Oh baby, Aunt Hanna got a man for her b-day!! Haha! Just what I wanted! Lol!! On Sunday, I was out shopping and came home to this: A surprise party!! I have never had one before. My older daughter showed up and put it together with the kids. So sweet and thoughtful. One very bright cake! They all gave me all of my favorite things. So much thought was put in. So when my birthday rolled around this morning I was content and figured it had already been celebrated for the most part. And then my daughter, Savannah, gave me this...

In the last few days, Christmas has been happening in my heart. Not the tree, ornaments, and stressed out Christmas, but the beautiful amazing and totally wild story of Christmas. It all started when I was driving home a few days ago. I caught myself or should I say, my daughter caught me singing (real quietly) a Christmas carol. "Mom, are you singing a Christmas song?" She asked incredulously. I had to admit I was. As I continued driving and zoning out in my own little world, I noticed I was absentmindedly singing many different ones. I've had a lot on my mind lately :) The next day, I ended up babysitting my grandkids. When I got to my oldest daughter's house, she had just put on the movie she had bought for us-one for her and one for me. It was The Nativity Story--which I had not seen before. I told her to back it up and I watched it. I thought it was beautiful. It gave me such a feeling of awe and reverence for God all over again. God is so awesome! If...

With God, every emotion seems to be felt more deeply. Love is stronger, passion is fiercer, regret stings more bitterly, joy-more exultant, peace is a smooth, calm surface, pain is a dark, hollow place. And for all these and through all these, there is One Friend who is always nearby. Always watching, laughing, crying, looking in sympathy, wiping away tears. There is One who knows every need and realizes every intent of your heart. One who knows the truth of you. One who stands by to pick up the pieces and say, "It's not over yet." And as I go through times of joy and pain in this life, He walks with me. And as I plead for guidance and agonize over a situation, He comes and talks with me. The God of heaven stoops so low to speak to me-the thought of that floors me. How blessed I am. How truly blessed we are.

And so... yesterday, the relationship I was in, ended. Things just were not going to work out. Too many differences. Unfortunately, you get attached and that can make it hard. The previous day, I had picked up a little book that you can send through the mail. It sort of had all the little themes that reminded me of us. It was a child's book-written from mother to child, but I thought it so perfectly fit, that I was going to give it as a Valentine's gift. It's called, "If Kisses Were Colors." It has lines in it which say things like-if kisses were colors, you'd see every one of the bands of the rainbow that shines in the sun...and...if kisses were blankets, you'd always be warm, wrapped up from the cold during winter's worst storm...If kisses were snowflakes, your world would be light, sparkling with crystals of silver and white... And so... I picked up the sweet, little book and wondered, what will I do with it now? Take it back? Send it to the g...

Woke up this morning to a glorious day. For once no biting, cold wind to accompany a deceptive blue sky and sunshine. No frost--only warmth. We're expecting perfect 70's weather all week! The daffodils are blooming and the trees are budding. It just doesn't get any better than this for me. Leaves me with such a feeling of peace, contentment and trust. New life, new beginnings, new hope. My beloved speaks and says to me: "Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away;  for lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.  The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.  The fig tree puts forth its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. Song of Solomon 2:10-13

Did I really sound so excited and enthused in my last post? Surely NOT feeling that way now! My trust in God is sorely being tested right now. My whole plan is crumbling....so I am praying for the Lord to show me what to do now. To show me His plan for me. Things really began falling apart on Thursday. On Friday, I decided to try to give it to God. At church, I asked for a prayer request during the service. I told them I needed guidance, wisdom and strength because I was stressed-out and had a lot of stuff going on in my life and was facing hard decisions. After prayer, it was time for special music. And God just showed up in an amazing way! He played "our song" to me, through a young guy that goes to my church. When I heard the name of the song announced, I just knew God was saying, "Don't worry, Johanna. I am here with you and everything is going to be alright. I love you". You see for the past three years, I was really struggling in the relationship. We...

Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven.   But whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before My Father who is in heaven. Matthew 10:32, 33 We can confess Christ with our mouths but deny Him by the way we live our lives. We claim to be Christians. But what does that really mean? What is a Christian? A Christ follower. A representative of Christ, an example of His transforming power and grace. So how do we make sure what we claim matches who we are? And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Cor. 3:18 As we spend time with the Lord, in prayer, in His Word meditating on His character, we become more like Him. That is why it is so important to make having our own private devotions a top priority. If  we don't "behold" Christ, how will we bec...

I often look at normal people with their normal lives doing normal things that normal people do. And I wonder--do they realize what they have? They go along calmly living. They cook special things, talk about their kids, love their families, go about their lives working, playing, resting. They seem so quiet, settled and happy. Perfectly content. Perfectly placid. I compare myself with them and am amazed by the shocking, overwhelming contrast. My whole life has been anything but normal, anything but placid. My life is one of extremes. Extreme sorrows; extreme joys. Always lots of noise...sometimes good, sometimes not so good. Today, a kind, retired pastor was our visiting speaker at church. He is the epitome of a good Adventist. Soft-spoken, kind, spiritual, went to all the right schools, married a wonderful, sweet Adventist wife. He is living the Adventist American dream. And I wondered as he spoke of his 51 years of a happy marriage and shared stories of his calling int...

Today, I think of my sister as they are driving across the country, carrying all their earthly belongings with them.  I can't imagine the amount of work that it took them to get rid of ALL their stuff! They had a lot! Lots of old cars, too. But here they are now, driving with everything they own, tucked neatly away in the bed of the truck or the motorhome. My sister was so happy when all her most important things fit perfectly in the compartments and cabinets in the motorhome. I think of her family photos, stowed away in a box. I think of her other mementos and sentimental things, riding along to be carefully unpacked in a new life. These things are not there by accident, but were chosen, taking up privileged space that was reserved for the cherished. cher·ish (ch r sh) tr.v. cher·ished , cher·ish·ing , cher·ish·es 1. To treat with affection and tenderness; hold dear 2. To keep fondly in mind I think of this word--cherish. How beautiful a...

I feel like I am walking through a dark tunnel with splashes of light here and there. There just seems to be a constant heaviness in my chest and a tenseness in my body that doesn't go away--except for occasional moments where I feel like I'm lifted up; fleeting moments in which I can forget reality for a little while. But no lasting peace. No feeling of "it's gonna be okay". I have to remind myself that God will see me through this. This is what needed to happen, I just didn't expect it to be so hard. Sources of L ight : God -- He has been very close to me, giving guidance and hope. Friends & Family -- offering encouragement and support & prayer. Music -- it lifts me up. Home -- changed some things around which lifted my spirits. Kids -- doing things with the church kids, as well as with my own, brings a lot of joy to my life . Nature -- blue skies and sunshine always make me feel hopeful . Dogs -- this one's wei...

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. ~Kahlil Gibran My sister and her family are moving away--all the way to Florida! In just a little over a week, we'll all be saying our good-byes. I thought a while back that it wouldn't be so tough, but the closer it gets to the time, the more I know it's going to be a really hard thing to do. Why do people always have to say good-bye? Almost seems like that's what life is all about. Nothing stays the same. Today someone may be in your life and tomorrow they're gone. I know there are ways to keep in touch, but it's just not the same. So many people have walked into my life, some of them staying quite awhile, while others, staying just for a brief visit. And many leave. I hold their memory close and think of them often. Some I will not see until eternity and others, I pray to one day find. Old friends, childhood friends I've somehow lost track of. I wonder about these. ...

Sometimes I go out on a dark and windy night. I see the moon's light and the shadow of the leaves and hear their rustling. I look at the stars and wonder. I feel so out of place. I am filled with longings that just hover over my soul. Not even able to name them. It's just a deep and mysterious ache for the ones I miss. The ones I long to see. The ones that are lost to me. It's a feeling that comes over me, sadness and yearning for what is missing, mixed with hope and wondering. I think of yesterday and I want to hold onto it. I keep pieces and treasure them and fit them together with hopes of what may someday be. There were people in my life that were so special and I don't know where they are. This song is the first song I have ever heard that matches the deep longings I have to someday find them. I heard it for the first time tonight and it goes out to those I've loved and can't be with. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you're missing someone - a close frie...

For the Homeless, the Unwanted  by Raymond A. Foss A place for them, the unwanted, a place safe, warm, to gather welcome, safe, from judgment a key to enter in support for those suffering a meal, a hug, understanding, sanctuary. within these walls, a regular place to come and to find acceptance. January 25, 2009 Isaiah 42:6-8 Luke 4:18-19 Matthew 25:31-40

A few nights ago, I watched "Coal Miner's Daughter"- the Loretta Lynn story - with my family. I grew up watching that movie and listening to her music. So for me, it was a real treat to share it with my daughters. To see their reaction to her getting married at 13, to see her life unfold with her making her dream of becoming a country singer, come true, though that same dream, later would take it's toll on her. One thing I appreciated about the story, this time, was the fact that though there were many problems in Loretta's marriage, the love came through and triumphed. When Loretta collapsed onstage and Doo carried her off - you knew theirs was a love that was deep, comfortable, real and lasting. It had survived many tests and still made it.  Loretta Lynn's childhood spoke to me of the simple things in life. A hardworking and loving father providing for his family and keeping food on the table. A mother tending to her children, showing her love by being th...

Years ago, I listened to music that could take me to other worlds. In my mind, I'd envision all the lyrics were to me. I'd imagine that there would be such a connection between myself and another person, that we'd connect psychically - read each other's minds. That's how close I wanted to be with another person. A very young, idealistic, hopeless romantic. So this was a pretty tall order and left me open for a lot of disappointment, the first one called - reality. No one could live up to my hopes and expectations. Until I met Him.  He was mysterious. I knew of Him, had heard of Him, but what I envisioned Him to be like was so different than what He turned out to be. He would send people to me with invitations to His house, but I didn't want to associate with the people that went there. I wasn't like them. I didn't fit in. I didn't know they were sent at His request. I tried to forget about Him because I was afraid. I knew He was pretty power...

Yesterday, I overheard my youngest daughter (nine-years-old) having a conversation on the phone with a friend from school. It was quiet in our house - for once - and so I could hear her friend on the other end, as well. Friend - "Hey are you going to give Maria a Valentine card?" Mandie - "Uh...yeah, I'm giving one to the whole class. Besides that would be kind of mean." Friend - "Oh, well I wanted to know if you guys weren't gonna give her one because then I wouldn't." I was proud to hear Mandie doing the right thing so easily. The thought that first came to mind when I heard her say that was - I wonder what would happen if we all handled things like that? To put other people's feelings first. I think I am going to try this.                                                                       ...

Some days are so amazing. Today was one of those kind. I am on a spiritual high for sure and feeling extremely happy. Had a wonderful time at church. A very nurturing day for me. We had communion, but first had our humility service (foot washing). There were several of us ladies in the small room. Some of the dearest people on the planet were in that little room today. My sister/friend was there, a very good friend of several years, my aunt/friend, and a very special newer friend that is struggling with cancer as well as my sweet sisters from church. It was a beautiful time. After we washed each other's feet, we joined hands and had prayer. I was holding my friend's hand that has cancer and after my sister prayed, I asked that I may say a prayer. And holding hands still, I prayed that God would be very near to my friend as she goes on Monday for another chemo treatment. That this is such a hard time. I prayed that God would be with her, that He would let her feel His presence t...