Full Circle (my testimony)

I'd like to share a little bit about me and God. I wasn't raised in a Christian home, but I was taken to church from time to time. Being extremely shy, I was always uncomfortable going to the class they offered for my age and I would just rather stay in Cradle Roll with the babies. Years later when I would finally make a commitment to God, that's where I ended up - back in Cradle Roll, with the babies. God knows exactly where we need to be and why.

My memories of church, as a child, include kneeling for prayer on dark, chocolate brown carpet, hearing the church folk softly and reverently sing "Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow" (The Doxology) after the prayer, sitting on velvety soft green pews drawing many happy pictures with suns, trees, grass and flowers on tithe envelopes, looking at "Our Little Friend" papers, gazing in awe at the beautiful, arched, wooden ceiling, and the second best thing next to "Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow"- was a mural of a waterfall painted behind the baptistry. Church was a peaceful place. Serene. I am thankful to my mother for exposing me to the church. She had struggles which kept us from going consistently and after a certain age, I just flat refused to go.

I knew the song "Jesus Loves Me", but I didn't know Jesus. I remember hearing about the end of the world, and a lady telling someone about how her friend felt the devil in her bed. I also heard that you needed to pray and ask God for forgiveness so you wouldn't be lost. These were the things that stuck with me about God. Needless to say, I was pretty afraid. So I prayed to an unknown God out of fear.

I would go through the next several years very far from God. But buried inside was still that deep fear of Him. Not the "reverence" type - the "run for your life" type! I was bad; Jesus was coming back and I would be lost. Pretty plain to me. So I tried to forget about Him. Realistically, I cannot think of any reason that I would not have lived the life I did, under the circumstances. This world had not been good to me. I was into heavy metal,  horror movies and watched all other varieties of evil as well, I played around with some occult activities such as astrology and the ouija board, smoked, partied, fought with all authority. I hated school, got into lots of fights with kids (physically) and teachers (verbally). I was also involved in bad relationships at a way too young and was pregnant at 14. And that was only the beginning of a long span of  inner despair and turmoil. I honestly do not remember being aware of any trace of God during this time, but He was there. The devil, on the other hand, made his presence well known. I would tell my friends that I knew there was a God because I knew there was a devil.


As I got older, my mother would often ask me, "JoHanna, do you want to go to church this week?" Of course I would say"no" and wished that she'd just quit hounding me - reminding me of what I didn't want to think about. But she kept on (Now I know who put her up to it and am so grateful that God gives some the gift of  holy pestering!). I actually did go a couple of times when I was about 19 and was so uncomfortable there, that I had absolutely no desire to go back. To me, church was where the "good" people went and I didn't quite fit into that category. To make matters worse, I was also asked to participate. That really helped me to stay away.


Things would just keep getting harder and every way that I tried to find happiness, would fail. I was empty and had no answers and even less hope. My life's disappointments were piling up all around me. I was in a pit that I was powerless to climb out of, so when my mom asked me if I wanted to go to evangelistic meetings at the church, I decided to go. I was about 25 by that time. I went to every meeting and toward the end of them, the Pastor came for a visit and asked what was keeping me from being baptized. I said, "I know that what the church teaches is true. I know it's right. But I still smoke. And I don't get the whole 'relationship with God' thing." He tried explaining it to me by talking about scuba diving and taking in deep breaths of air. Well that lost me, bless his heart. I didn't get baptized or go to church.


Another year or so went by. Again, I went to more evangelistic meetings - every one. They were comfortable. I could go and learn and didn't have to worry about someone putting me on the spot. I didn't want to be asked to read anything or pray. I still did not know how to have a 'relationship' with God. I couldn't figure it out, but knew you were supposed to pray and read the Bible and that was it. So I went home. Not to church. Maybe I wouldn't have ever gone...but Someone had other plans.


At that time my family was having real problems. We needed to move. My mother prayed very specifically about a house for us. She included lots of details and God answered. When she told me of her prayer and how it had been answered so perfectly with signs and all, I said wow!! I was totally amazed! It was as if God turned on the light. All of a sudden, I saw God in a new way-as a caring, personal God. A God that was involved. No matter how afraid I was, no matter how uncomfortable I would feel, I knew at that moment - that I was going to church. I also determined that regardless of anything anyone might say or do, I wouldn't quit. It had been too hard of a struggle to get there.

So I gathered up my kids and took them to church. My mother had already been taking my two older kids for awhile, but for my babies, this was their first time. The pastor's wife was just starting a brand new class for the little ones (God's timing is always so perfect), and I was once again in Cradle Roll. God knows exactly where we need to be and why. He brought me full circle and gave me a new beginning.